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Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. No touching, no kissing, just masturbating together either in person or via webcam.

From fantasizing about being trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey to sitting on pies or rubbing bread on your face, if you can imagine it, someone will probably jerk off to it. Regulations are cracking down on this socially harmful way of getting your daily potassium, according to China’s CCTV News. ” (You and me both, pal.) Others suggested that the government would come for hot dogs, cucumbers, and other phallic foods next.

Commenters on CCTV’s Facebook page are in a tizzy about the matter. So far the Chinese government hasn’t issued any statements regarding the moral dubiousness of pimple-popping videos, which is a huge relief.